February 2023 Social

[virgosplaining]

It's finally here! Let's hang out, chat, and be merry all through this weekend. :) You're welcome to use this as an introduction & friending post!

Something I personally think about a lot is the "I always knew I was trans" vs "I had a sudden realization at some point later in life" experiences of gender journeying. Some of us already covered that in the last round, but it's simply a suggested topic to share & chat about. ♥

Comments

[virgosplaining]

Of course, there is no one way to be trans or to come about self-knowledge of it. For myself, I always say it was a mixture of the two experiences -- I always knew I was different, and there's... several reasons for that (undiagnosed ADHD+autism, yay), but I never felt a connection to either of the two gender options I was presented as a child. I was uncomfortable being seen as a girl/young woman, so I would aggressively dress tomboyish and even experienced what I now realize was gender euphoria when someone would ask if I was a boy or a girl. I was obsessed with planning cosplays that involved cross-dressing (re: Edward Elric, L, Link, etc) and to this day remember an episode of Star Trek TNG that stayed in my head "for some reason" despite only watching it once when I was very young.

These are just some things that come to mind when I think of my early Gender Feelings. I really didn't know for sure that's what they were. I grew up in a very sheltered, conservative home -- I had some notion of queerness, but not that it could apply to me. I very much externalized those feelings because of the household I was in. So it wasn't until I had total and complete freedom the first time I lived on my own (a few months before I turned 17) that I began to have the space for my thoughts and feelings to breathe and realize those things about myself. A huge catalyst was when I was 20 and, for the first time ever, saw the word "genderqueer". It was on a facebook "answer these questions about yourself" type meme. I didn't even have to google it (though I did); I was electrified as I thought, "that's it, it's me. that's what I am. there's a word for it."

From there, I have just been on all kinds of journeys accepting things about myself. As far as transition goes, my ultimate dream would be top surgery (or a massive reduction, I go back and forth on this). Unfortunately, I don't have the time or funds for that now. Sometimes I get frustrated because what I would truly want to look and be perceived like... isn't something that really exists. But I've decided "hot muscle dyke" is a close enough second. Just... gotta work on the muscle part. ;)

Checking in

[ng_moonmoth]

On the "always knew" vs. "came to me later" axis, the best way to put it is that I have been able to look back on my experiences growing up and my poor fit for my cisnormative gender and say, "yeah, seems I was always that way, but hiding the stuff that didn't fit left me with enough stuff that did fit to get by." And, now that I've given myself permission to be myself, I'm much the better for it.

I'm out as myself in the various fiber arts communities I am active in. Saturday afternoon is my weekly get-together with a local group of knitting friends. Getting out of the house is a great excuse to put on something nice -- which puts me somewhat askew from those in the group who are working, and relish the opportunity to go more casual -- but it's fun for me that way. And in two weekends, there will be a weekend fiber arts show with lots of designers, vendors, and teachers to keep us attendees amused. I will be going for all four days, taking a class each morning, and bringing along outfits to show off things I've made. All under my out name, which it looks like I can actually put on my badge this year. Should be a blast.

new game

[virgosplaining]

My answer? Divided by zero. What's yours?

New Gender Just Dropped

[fleetsparrow]

Kind of like a Beyoncé album dropping out of nowhere, that's kind of how my trans realization was. Like, oh, look at that. That would explain a few things. Huh.

Hindsight really is 20/20, isn't it? Because I can go back through the things I loved as a kid and be like, "Ah, yes, I see it all now" when really, I could never have told anyone why I preferred being a Beatle to being a Beatle's Girlfriend (please don't ask about my juvenile "LARPing before I knew the word for it", it's too embarrassing) back then.

It also explains why me + titties have always been mortal enemies from, like, day one. But I digress.

Probably the one thing that solidified that this was A Thing I Could Do was meeting my newly-transitioned cousin when I was 13 and being instantly both cool with her and also amazed like, "You can DO that???"

Alternatively, I could title the look back on my youth as a series of failures: failure to understand neurotypical thought-patterns, failure to understand gender roles, failure to conform to gender roles, failure to find sex appealing, etc. But then, that seems like a bleak and negative way of looking at difference, too invested in the status quo's ideal of how people should be (alternatively alternatively, I could see every past failure as me having overcome these problems, but that gets into thornier issues than these).

All of these ramblings are just to say, hoo boy, gender feelings are complicated, and I still am like *shrug emoji* when asked what my gender is.

Anyway, I'm Fleet and I'm still coming around to the "agender" label (which, being asexual, you'd think I'd love, but I'm still feeling "genderless" as a better option for me *insert The More You Know rainbow here*).

This is probably why I'm so fond of queer, because both its definitions fit me, lololol.