February 2023 Social

[virgosplaining]

It's finally here! Let's hang out, chat, and be merry all through this weekend. :) You're welcome to use this as an introduction & friending post!

Something I personally think about a lot is the "I always knew I was trans" vs "I had a sudden realization at some point later in life" experiences of gender journeying. Some of us already covered that in the last round, but it's simply a suggested topic to share & chat about. ♥

Comments

Checking in

[ng_moonmoth]

On the "always knew" vs. "came to me later" axis, the best way to put it is that I have been able to look back on my experiences growing up and my poor fit for my cisnormative gender and say, "yeah, seems I was always that way, but hiding the stuff that didn't fit left me with enough stuff that did fit to get by." And, now that I've given myself permission to be myself, I'm much the better for it.

I'm out as myself in the various fiber arts communities I am active in. Saturday afternoon is my weekly get-together with a local group of knitting friends. Getting out of the house is a great excuse to put on something nice -- which puts me somewhat askew from those in the group who are working, and relish the opportunity to go more casual -- but it's fun for me that way. And in two weekends, there will be a weekend fiber arts show with lots of designers, vendors, and teachers to keep us attendees amused. I will be going for all four days, taking a class each morning, and bringing along outfits to show off things I've made. All under my out name, which it looks like I can actually put on my badge this year. Should be a blast.

Re: Checking in

[rielism]

That’s so lovely that you have that space that you can openly be yourself in!! I hope you have a great time at the show :)

Re: Checking in

[ng_moonmoth]

Closer to how I feel than "you have that space that you can openly be yourself in" is "a space I enjoy being in is a place where I can openly be myself." As in, I'm not in a queer fiber arts community, but that I observed that the fiber arts community as a whole appeared to be queer-friendly, and took that as an invitation to have it be a space where I could be myself. That is indeed lovely. Things continue to go very well.

As far as having a great time at the show, I am hoping that my greater comfort and self-assurance at being Out In Public will improve my interactions with other attendees beyond how it was last year, when I was much more tentative; and I am racing the show with a pair of socks I'm hoping to finish in time to wear them there.

Re: Checking in

[virgosplaining]

That's awesome about your fiber community! That sounds both fun and affirming, and I hope the show goes well for you ♥

I'm working on being more out in more places. I was selected to be on a DEI&B committee at one of my jobs and introduced myself with my real pronouns. The little steps just get us right along :)

Re: Checking in

[ng_moonmoth]

I always enjoy hearing that other people have ways out that are not binary either "completely closeted" or "out everywhere, all; the time". Sounds like your path, as mine, shows up as being out in different degrees in different places -- and improving the scope and degree as circumstances permit. Those "little steps" that "get you right along" are worth celebrating, not only as they reduce the amount of time I spend hiding myself, but also as they move me closer to mostly not having to hide myself at all. Cishet drag can still be useful when I don't feel up to being myself in a challenging environment.

I cringe just a bit when I see things like "real pronouns", similar to how I feel when I see "identify as". Your pronouns are your pronouns; of course they are real. And that shouldn't need the "real" part. Someone not using your pronouns is misgendering you just as much as if they wrongly categorized you as "man" or "woman". And saying they can't change is on them, not on you. It shouldn't be any harder than tracking things when a woman changes her last name to that of her spouse, and most people seem to manage reasonably well there. (Some of spouse's and my family use the same surname for both of us, despite our having been very clear about our feelings that we had no intention of following that antiquated custom. But that's such an ingrained assumption for so many people, and we aren't interested in picking a fight over it.)

Re: Checking in

[virgosplaining]

Yes, it's honestly something I wish more people understood. Where I live, it can sometimes be a matter of safety, if not simple comfort. Of course, with the way things have been proceeding in this country, I find myself wanting more and more to be not only visibly queer (something I've apparently already achieved), but visibly not-cis as well. I find cishet drag most useful when getting through family events or similar things, but I'm far more invested in having moments of connection with other queer folk in my day to day. Just little moments of solidarity, for both of us to know we aren't alone.

True, perhaps that was phrased badly. It just felt freeing to introduce myself using they/them pronouns and not having to pretend :) It really is contrarian bs -- one of my best friend's mom apparently uses a convoluted mind trick to remember to use the right pronouns for me, but that's the thing: she made the effort, and she uses the correct pronouns for me. And just in general, people use 'they/them/theirs' in the singular constantly, they just excuse it as ~too weird~ grammatically when it's someone's personal pronoun when really that's exactly what they're saying: they just don't want to change and/or they are being dishonest with everyone and themselves about their own transphobia.