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Nostalgia Is A Sickness
Sep. 29th, 2025 01:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
neurosismancerI have an essay I've been working on, and plan to publish on my Neocities next month (once it's formatted and copyedited) about nostalgia, fascism, and generative AI slop. The essay was inspired by a minute of 80s AI nostalgia slop about how in the 80s time breathed and all people do in 2025 is look at their phones, and it's all white people in the video. Utterly fascist shit. Today, I saw something even worse. AI nostalgia slop for Wal-Mart, in 2002. It made me physically nauseous to watch, not only because of the AI video aspect, but the sheer grossly consumerist faux nostalgia bait aspect.
I've always been, and always will be skeptical, of consumerist nostalgia. I don't even think about my childhood shopping experiences, let alone a place like Wal-Mart. Then, again, growing up in Philadelphia, we didn't have Wal-Mart. There was one that opened in South Philadelphia in the late 90s, but I grew up too far away from it to go there more than once or twice. My memories, such as they are, are of places like K-Mart, Target or various local chains I can't even recall. These were liminal spaces at best, places I passed into and out of with my parents on shopping trips for school clothes and housewares, or whatever the fuck. Interchangeable spaces with bright fluorescent lights, racks of clothes and goods, and a desperate desire to be done and go home.
Maybe it's the fact that I grew up in a city, albeit a semi-suburban part of the city, but I can't imagine a sort of life where all there was for you was school, and soccer, and weekend trips to Wal-Mart. My childhood and adolescence were miserable, full of social isolation, bullying, and unidentified dysphoria, but I had more than... that. If I'm going to be nostalgic for something from my childhood, I'd rather it be something pleasurable and memorable, like summer trips down the shore, or amusement parks. What on earth kind of childhood did someone have where their nostalgic memory is staring at a lobster tank or playing a video game at a console demo station?
This piece of slop is just yet another disgusting and disquieting piece of capitalist hellscape propaganda, and it makes me sick. Butlerian Jihad Now.
I've always been, and always will be skeptical, of consumerist nostalgia. I don't even think about my childhood shopping experiences, let alone a place like Wal-Mart. Then, again, growing up in Philadelphia, we didn't have Wal-Mart. There was one that opened in South Philadelphia in the late 90s, but I grew up too far away from it to go there more than once or twice. My memories, such as they are, are of places like K-Mart, Target or various local chains I can't even recall. These were liminal spaces at best, places I passed into and out of with my parents on shopping trips for school clothes and housewares, or whatever the fuck. Interchangeable spaces with bright fluorescent lights, racks of clothes and goods, and a desperate desire to be done and go home.
Maybe it's the fact that I grew up in a city, albeit a semi-suburban part of the city, but I can't imagine a sort of life where all there was for you was school, and soccer, and weekend trips to Wal-Mart. My childhood and adolescence were miserable, full of social isolation, bullying, and unidentified dysphoria, but I had more than... that. If I'm going to be nostalgic for something from my childhood, I'd rather it be something pleasurable and memorable, like summer trips down the shore, or amusement parks. What on earth kind of childhood did someone have where their nostalgic memory is staring at a lobster tank or playing a video game at a console demo station?
This piece of slop is just yet another disgusting and disquieting piece of capitalist hellscape propaganda, and it makes me sick. Butlerian Jihad Now.
Joining In The Chant
Sep. 28th, 2025 11:30 pmneurosismancerSaturday night, I went out into the rain and into the city for a goth/industrial night. I hadn’t been out in the city in a Saturday night, let alone on the Lower East Side for a while and I can’t say I missed it. That area is such chaos on a Saturday night, and I felt out of place as a gothy dyke surrounded by young party people seeking whatever the hell normies do on a night out in the city.
Fortunately, once I got inside the venue and the music started, I felt at home. Well, not right away—it took a few songs for me to get a feel for the space and the crowd but soon I was up and dancing. Unfortunately, my lack of endurance and the humid night turned me into a sweaty mess after twenty minutes, so I had to take a break. It continued that way most of the night, and thankfully there was a nice little chill lounge area in the back of the venue where I could still hear the music but could also fan myself down and cool off.
Met a pair of really nice enbies who told me they loved my dancing, and we quickly became friends. One is from Finland, which was simultaneously both a surprise and to be expected. I seem to have this uncanny ability to meet Finnish people in various places and connect. Don’t ask me why or how! A DJ and local in the scene recognized me and we chatted and now I have Halloween plans!
The crowd was super nice, the music was amazing, and I danced as much as I could until 2:30 when I decided to call it a night. In the cab home, I found myself starting to cry as I though back on the night. It’s been far too long since I’ve gone out to a goth event. Most of the nights out I’ve had lately are either concerts or queer/trans events (and in at least one case both), and while those can be fun, it’s not the same vibe at all. A queer club night full of queer and trans people is fine and dandy but I’m just not much for club music, even queer club music. I need those post-punk guitars, industrial drum machines, heavy synths. When the music is right I feel at home in a way that I just don’t at, say, Body Hack.
More importantly, it reminded me of how the NYC goth scene gave me a space to experiment with presentation and figure out my gender stuff before I started medically transitioning. I remembered nights at Saint Vitus Bar at Music For The Masses, wearing eyeliner, lipstick, and skirts with a full beard and nobody batting an eye. Goth helped me find myself, refine myself. Goth made me the woman-esque weirdo I am today and I am so incredibly grateful.
Fortunately, once I got inside the venue and the music started, I felt at home. Well, not right away—it took a few songs for me to get a feel for the space and the crowd but soon I was up and dancing. Unfortunately, my lack of endurance and the humid night turned me into a sweaty mess after twenty minutes, so I had to take a break. It continued that way most of the night, and thankfully there was a nice little chill lounge area in the back of the venue where I could still hear the music but could also fan myself down and cool off.
Met a pair of really nice enbies who told me they loved my dancing, and we quickly became friends. One is from Finland, which was simultaneously both a surprise and to be expected. I seem to have this uncanny ability to meet Finnish people in various places and connect. Don’t ask me why or how! A DJ and local in the scene recognized me and we chatted and now I have Halloween plans!
The crowd was super nice, the music was amazing, and I danced as much as I could until 2:30 when I decided to call it a night. In the cab home, I found myself starting to cry as I though back on the night. It’s been far too long since I’ve gone out to a goth event. Most of the nights out I’ve had lately are either concerts or queer/trans events (and in at least one case both), and while those can be fun, it’s not the same vibe at all. A queer club night full of queer and trans people is fine and dandy but I’m just not much for club music, even queer club music. I need those post-punk guitars, industrial drum machines, heavy synths. When the music is right I feel at home in a way that I just don’t at, say, Body Hack.
More importantly, it reminded me of how the NYC goth scene gave me a space to experiment with presentation and figure out my gender stuff before I started medically transitioning. I remembered nights at Saint Vitus Bar at Music For The Masses, wearing eyeliner, lipstick, and skirts with a full beard and nobody batting an eye. Goth helped me find myself, refine myself. Goth made me the woman-esque weirdo I am today and I am so incredibly grateful.
Workouts are freaking awesome, at least
Sep. 28th, 2025 10:06 pmflexagonContinuing to feel super burned out at the mere thought of working, or constraining my schedule too much. I know this makes sense. I know it takes more than six months to recover from 17 years of cortisol flooding my system. Gotta drift along and observe the whirling world for a while, and have faith in neuroplasticity.
In the meantime, physical workouts are only getting better. In some ways, there's joy in recovering ground I've lost before, because I can be confident in the path to gaining the skill again; for instance, I know that once I can bop my chest against the wall in a backbend, my kickover isn't too far away. And I know that once I have a dropback (check) and a kickover (as of today, check!), a back walkover will be coming along. This is easier on me in some ways than the -- exciting, for sure -- improvements into things I've never had before, where I don't know what comes next or where I'll max out, or how much faith to have. Anyway, in the last week or so I've gotten a set of 5 chinups back, and my kickover back. (The week before, also in backbend territory, I touched each toe to the top of my head in turn; that's a maintenance marker not touched since last December.) There was a cramping episode that made me think I should carry some runners' salt chews, but overall I'm doing really well.
Today in open studio, Birdie and I and another friend set up a station for walkover drills (tick-tocks) and worked on them for about an hour. It was so fun, and useful to really work on one thing for quite a while.
Also this week I ordered some organization stuff for our IKEA cube unit and for the freezer.
I spent a whole day helping a friend move (third one this fall, for anyone counting). She had a lot of the same Zillian swag as me, from working in the same office and, for a few years, in the same group, and I had all kinds of complicated feelings about seeing those items. Mostly sadness and a desire to avoid them. Neither she or I sees a way back to working the way we did when we got those things.
I floofed off to Portland Maine for the first time ever, with the squirrel. On the way up we listened to a podcast about fear, anxiety, exposure therapy etc, and had a good conversation about fears... later that day a tiny not-very-scary spider got onto my hand in a park, and I said "wait! exposure therapy!" and let it crawl around a little before putting my hand on the ground to let it get off. The squirrel was proud of me for letting it live, I was just proud of myself for doing something I'd literally never done before.
I'm sure there's more, but the sleepiness is rising fast, and I must succumb.
In the meantime, physical workouts are only getting better. In some ways, there's joy in recovering ground I've lost before, because I can be confident in the path to gaining the skill again; for instance, I know that once I can bop my chest against the wall in a backbend, my kickover isn't too far away. And I know that once I have a dropback (check) and a kickover (as of today, check!), a back walkover will be coming along. This is easier on me in some ways than the -- exciting, for sure -- improvements into things I've never had before, where I don't know what comes next or where I'll max out, or how much faith to have. Anyway, in the last week or so I've gotten a set of 5 chinups back, and my kickover back. (The week before, also in backbend territory, I touched each toe to the top of my head in turn; that's a maintenance marker not touched since last December.) There was a cramping episode that made me think I should carry some runners' salt chews, but overall I'm doing really well.
Today in open studio, Birdie and I and another friend set up a station for walkover drills (tick-tocks) and worked on them for about an hour. It was so fun, and useful to really work on one thing for quite a while.
Also this week I ordered some organization stuff for our IKEA cube unit and for the freezer.
I spent a whole day helping a friend move (third one this fall, for anyone counting). She had a lot of the same Zillian swag as me, from working in the same office and, for a few years, in the same group, and I had all kinds of complicated feelings about seeing those items. Mostly sadness and a desire to avoid them. Neither she or I sees a way back to working the way we did when we got those things.
I floofed off to Portland Maine for the first time ever, with the squirrel. On the way up we listened to a podcast about fear, anxiety, exposure therapy etc, and had a good conversation about fears... later that day a tiny not-very-scary spider got onto my hand in a park, and I said "wait! exposure therapy!" and let it crawl around a little before putting my hand on the ground to let it get off. The squirrel was proud of me for letting it live, I was just proud of myself for doing something I'd literally never done before.
I'm sure there's more, but the sleepiness is rising fast, and I must succumb.
Things I've cooked!
Sep. 28th, 2025 12:31 pmwolfpurplemoonThe server where my main mastodon account is hosted is closing down in a few months, so I'm looking through my posts to see if there's anything I want to preserve, and this post about food I've cooked has been moved from a previous closed server to my main account so I should probably bring it here for prosperity (as I always use my DW account to keep posts from other blogs/social sites that have closed or I left over the years, RIP LJ and Imzy 💔 though they are all private now)
a pizza made with a tortilla wrap base, there are two wraps with tomato pasta sauce in between, then more sauce on top then any pizza toppings on top of that before 10-15 mins in the oven! (mine is topped with cheese, mushrooms, tomatoes and herbs)
(from https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/spaghetti-puttanesca-red-beans-spinach )
A plate of spaghetti mixed with beans, tomatoes and basil. I made a few changes from the recipe linked in the post, olive oil instead of rapeseed, no chilli, extra garlic and my spaghetti isn't wholemeal
A plate of sweetcorn fritters topped with beans and tomatoes and 2 fried eggs Changes I made from the linked recipe: accidentally failed to buy a red pepper so missed that out, again olive oil instead of rapeseed, I used a tin of black eyed beans and one of red kidney beans that I already had instead of black beans and I fried the eggs cos I have no idea how to poach
A plate with a pile of sticky rice with a slice of lemon on top main change from the linked recipe was that I cooked the rice in my instant pot, I love that device, it makes amazing rice!
a dish of various vegetables and lentils with dressing on top and large croutons on the side. This was from a Hello Fresh box, I still make the caesar dressing regularly cos it's so good!
a round garlic bread with a pile of tomatoey rice and vegetables I made this entirely in my instant pot (apart from the garlic bread lol) and added garlic and used Italian Herbs rather than just Rosemary
White plate with a pile of rice, beans and other veg next to the open tin of jackfruit I used I randomly picked up a tin of jackfruit without any idea what to do with it, then a few weeks later found it in the cupboard and searched online and came up with the linked recipe, changes were doing it in the instant pot of course and not adding chilli cos I can't do chilli
A plate of rice mixed with peas and quorn pieces alongside a handful of salad with a squiggle of mayo on top. This recipe I came up with due the ingredients I had around, I cooked the rice in the instant pot, then mixed a teaspoonful of marmite with hot water and added that, peas and quorn to the rice and put the instant pot onto the saute programme and then once it was all warmed through I served it with some salad leaves with lime juice and mayo on!
Half a red pepper that fills half the plate, filled with the rice mixture and topped with finely grated cheese A tasty stuffed pepper dish I made from the biggest red pepper I'd ever seen (did online shopping so didn't see it till it arrived) I cooked rice, mushrooms, cherry tomatoes and stock in my instant pot and cooked half the pepper in the oven for a few minutes Then when the rice and mushrooms were done I filled the pepper half with them and cooked in the oven for 10 mins or so I put finely grated cheese on top before eating which melted nicely
A white bowl filled with tomato soup It was made in my InstantPot, just some chopped onion, a tin of tomatoes, a stock cube and some herbs cooked on the sauté mode for 15 mins, and then a splash of oat milk before serving!
A plate of salad, avocado and cheese topped with roasted peppers, cauliflower and a creamy sauce
A slice of cheesecake next to a loaf tin filled with cheesecake. The filling is a creamy brown colour and the base is quite thin and crisp looking My changes from the linked recipe were using cadbury's buttons and I made the base out of some flapjack bites I needed to use up, and I had to hand whip the cream!
Food I've Cooked, All Veggie!
1. Tortilla Wraps Pizza
a pizza made with a tortilla wrap base, there are two wraps with tomato pasta sauce in between, then more sauce on top then any pizza toppings on top of that before 10-15 mins in the oven! (mine is topped with cheese, mushrooms, tomatoes and herbs)
2. Spaghetti Puttanesca
(from https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/spaghetti-puttanesca-red-beans-spinach )
A plate of spaghetti mixed with beans, tomatoes and basil. I made a few changes from the recipe linked in the post, olive oil instead of rapeseed, no chilli, extra garlic and my spaghetti isn't wholemeal
3. Sweetcorn fritters with eggs & black bean salsa
(from https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/sweetcorn-fritters-eggs-black-bean-salsa )A plate of sweetcorn fritters topped with beans and tomatoes and 2 fried eggs Changes I made from the linked recipe: accidentally failed to buy a red pepper so missed that out, again olive oil instead of rapeseed, I used a tin of black eyed beans and one of red kidney beans that I already had instead of black beans and I fried the eggs cos I have no idea how to poach
4. Lemon Rice
(from https://www.thekitchn.com/recipe-silky-lemon-rice-242509 )A plate with a pile of sticky rice with a slice of lemon on top main change from the linked recipe was that I cooked the rice in my instant pot, I love that device, it makes amazing rice!
5. Caesar Salad
(from: https://www.hellofresh.co.uk/recipes/super-green-lentil-caesar-salad-5cf92f954e84a7001055320f )a dish of various vegetables and lentils with dressing on top and large croutons on the side. This was from a Hello Fresh box, I still make the caesar dressing regularly cos it's so good!
6. Mushroom Rice
(from: https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/mushroom-rice-one-pot )a round garlic bread with a pile of tomatoey rice and vegetables I made this entirely in my instant pot (apart from the garlic bread lol) and added garlic and used Italian Herbs rather than just Rosemary
7. Jackfruit Rice and Beans
(from: https://www.abelandcole.co.uk/recipes/jamaican-jerk-jackfruit-beans-with-rice )White plate with a pile of rice, beans and other veg next to the open tin of jackfruit I used I randomly picked up a tin of jackfruit without any idea what to do with it, then a few weeks later found it in the cupboard and searched online and came up with the linked recipe, changes were doing it in the instant pot of course and not adding chilli cos I can't do chilli
8. Rice, Quorn and Peas with Marmite Stock
A plate of rice mixed with peas and quorn pieces alongside a handful of salad with a squiggle of mayo on top. This recipe I came up with due the ingredients I had around, I cooked the rice in the instant pot, then mixed a teaspoonful of marmite with hot water and added that, peas and quorn to the rice and put the instant pot onto the saute programme and then once it was all warmed through I served it with some salad leaves with lime juice and mayo on!
9. Stuffed Red Pepper
Half a red pepper that fills half the plate, filled with the rice mixture and topped with finely grated cheese A tasty stuffed pepper dish I made from the biggest red pepper I'd ever seen (did online shopping so didn't see it till it arrived) I cooked rice, mushrooms, cherry tomatoes and stock in my instant pot and cooked half the pepper in the oven for a few minutes Then when the rice and mushrooms were done I filled the pepper half with them and cooked in the oven for 10 mins or so I put finely grated cheese on top before eating which melted nicely
10. Simple Tomato Soup
A white bowl filled with tomato soup It was made in my InstantPot, just some chopped onion, a tin of tomatoes, a stock cube and some herbs cooked on the sauté mode for 15 mins, and then a splash of oat milk before serving!
11. Chipotle Grilled Cauli Salad
(from: https://www.simplycook.com/recipes/chipotle-grilled-cauli-salad-for-2-veg )A plate of salad, avocado and cheese topped with roasted peppers, cauliflower and a creamy sauce
12. Chocolate Cheesecake
(from: https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/chocolate-cheesecake )A slice of cheesecake next to a loaf tin filled with cheesecake. The filling is a creamy brown colour and the base is quite thin and crisp looking My changes from the linked recipe were using cadbury's buttons and I made the base out of some flapjack bites I needed to use up, and I had to hand whip the cream!
(no subject)
Sep. 27th, 2025 10:44 amolivermossI'm about two weeks out of the loop on DW. There are replies and comments I want to get to and I'm sorry, but my brain had just been... I don't even know. But I am here, I exist and am trying to muddle through.
Because of how run down I've been, I almost didn't go to the D&D event in the gorge. But, I last minute scraped myself up and went. When Eliot said that he'd arrange a party bus as a transportation option I didn't imagine:
Going helped a lot. But I'm still... I don't know how to describe it. My brain's just suddenly weird about doing things I usually do. Maybe I just need a few weeks and come back to it.
So, I might do random sporadic updates and if I am not replying to comments I'm sorry. I really value the conversations I have here, so I feel bad about just random posts for a bit. Just sort of resetting or something.
Because of how run down I've been, I almost didn't go to the D&D event in the gorge. But, I last minute scraped myself up and went. When Eliot said that he'd arrange a party bus as a transportation option I didn't imagine:
Going helped a lot. But I'm still... I don't know how to describe it. My brain's just suddenly weird about doing things I usually do. Maybe I just need a few weeks and come back to it.
So, I might do random sporadic updates and if I am not replying to comments I'm sorry. I really value the conversations I have here, so I feel bad about just random posts for a bit. Just sort of resetting or something.
It's Not Me At Least This Time
Sep. 26th, 2025 09:36 pmneurosismancerFollowing my rejection, I decided to reply to the HR person asking if the interviewers had any feedback I could use to help with future interviews. I got back a reply that had a lot more candor than I expected. In short: there were originally two openings, one got cancelled, and so they needed to bring on a candidate with more experience in the side of the role I had less experience in. It still sucks, don't get me wrong, but seeing it was enough to bring me down from a dysphoria spiral. That and checking my voice in a pitch analyzer app which showed I largely speak in the feminine vocal range, at least with some degree of conscious effort.
Still talking to recruiters, still trying to apply for anything that looks remotely appealing and fits my skill sets. Hoping something comes through. At least I have enough in the bank to carry me through the next couple months.
As much as I'd like to spend some time with my local trans community, I've opted to skip the party everyone is going to tonight. I just don't vibe well with club music. I can manage well enough, but with everything going on my body and soul craves something heavier and darker. There's a pair of goth/industrial nights in the city tomorrow night in walking distance from each other. I'm going to hit up the more industrial focused one, and see what the vibe is. I figure I can always bounce to the other party if the vibes aren't right. Sure, it'll largely be a cis crowd, but I will be able to stomp and rage to the appropriate soundtrack. My 20-hole Solovairs are ready for action.
Besides, group is Monday, so I'll see everyone soon enough.
Still talking to recruiters, still trying to apply for anything that looks remotely appealing and fits my skill sets. Hoping something comes through. At least I have enough in the bank to carry me through the next couple months.
As much as I'd like to spend some time with my local trans community, I've opted to skip the party everyone is going to tonight. I just don't vibe well with club music. I can manage well enough, but with everything going on my body and soul craves something heavier and darker. There's a pair of goth/industrial nights in the city tomorrow night in walking distance from each other. I'm going to hit up the more industrial focused one, and see what the vibe is. I figure I can always bounce to the other party if the vibes aren't right. Sure, it'll largely be a cis crowd, but I will be able to stomp and rage to the appropriate soundtrack. My 20-hole Solovairs are ready for action.
Besides, group is Monday, so I'll see everyone soon enough.
What I'm Reading/Watching: Karaoke Iko and Famiresu Iko
Sep. 25th, 2025 07:16 pmdelphiKaraoke Iko! | Let's Go Karaoke is a coming-of-age comedy manga by Yama Wayama, which was adapted into a five-episode anime series this year and a live-action movie in 2023. The manga also has an ongoing sequel series called Famiresu Iko | Let's Go to the Family Restaurant.
The story starts out with young teenager Oka Satomi living in Osaka and dealing with the stress of being the leader of his school choir right when his changing voice is forcing him out of the soprano role. His worries about the future are thrown an even bigger curve ball when he's approached (*cough* kidnapped) one day by a local gangster named Narita Kyouji who has watched him perform and has a request: teach him to be a better singer so he can win a karaoke contest.
Kyouji's in a jam. His boss has a love of both music and tattooing, and to keep his men in line, he holds a quarterly karaoke contest where the loser is volunteered for his amateur tattooing practice—usually getting an image the boss knows they'll hate. Kyouji is determined not to lose and, in a fit of bad decision-making he potentially can't even explain to himself, decides this choir boy will make a good tutor.
Satomi starts spending time with Kyouji at the local karaoke parlour, and the two bring out sides of each other that neither seems to be able to express in their separate lives. Things then come to a head as the school year finishes up and Satomi's final concert is scheduled for the same time as Kyouji's karaoke competition, with an unexpected event disrupting both performances.
The sequel manga, Famiresu Iko, picks up three years later, when Satomi is a university student in Tokyo working part-time at a restaurant. He's visited regularly by Kyouji, and the two have to figure out what a relationship looks like between them now that they're both adults while dealing with complications related to Kyouji's criminal affiliations and Satomi's desire for a normal life (or belief that he should desire a normal life).
The premise of the series is enjoyably absurd, but the story is also rooted in reality in the right places, with strong characterizations and a good dose of feelings in there amid all of the ridiculous and dry humour. And admittedly, I'm just obsessed with Kyouji and Satomi's dynamic. Anyone who knows me knows what a sucker I am for two people who have nothing in common on the surface, who are both a little off or out of touch with themselves, but who somehow fit together in an unexpected way.
The series isn't marketed as BL, but queerness runs through the series and adaptations in both textual and subtextual ways that I'll put under the cut.
( Spoilery and Speculative Rundowns of What's Going on Between Satomi and Kyouji in Each Version )
Karaoke Iko! (Manga)
( A Page from the Karaoke Iko Manga )
Famiresu Iko (Manga)
( A Page from the Famiresu Iko Manga )
Karaoke Iko! (Anime) Note: contains some animated blood splatter and rescue from implied attempted sexual assault.
Karaoke Iko! (Live-Action Movie
The story starts out with young teenager Oka Satomi living in Osaka and dealing with the stress of being the leader of his school choir right when his changing voice is forcing him out of the soprano role. His worries about the future are thrown an even bigger curve ball when he's approached (*cough* kidnapped) one day by a local gangster named Narita Kyouji who has watched him perform and has a request: teach him to be a better singer so he can win a karaoke contest.
Kyouji's in a jam. His boss has a love of both music and tattooing, and to keep his men in line, he holds a quarterly karaoke contest where the loser is volunteered for his amateur tattooing practice—usually getting an image the boss knows they'll hate. Kyouji is determined not to lose and, in a fit of bad decision-making he potentially can't even explain to himself, decides this choir boy will make a good tutor.
Satomi starts spending time with Kyouji at the local karaoke parlour, and the two bring out sides of each other that neither seems to be able to express in their separate lives. Things then come to a head as the school year finishes up and Satomi's final concert is scheduled for the same time as Kyouji's karaoke competition, with an unexpected event disrupting both performances.
The sequel manga, Famiresu Iko, picks up three years later, when Satomi is a university student in Tokyo working part-time at a restaurant. He's visited regularly by Kyouji, and the two have to figure out what a relationship looks like between them now that they're both adults while dealing with complications related to Kyouji's criminal affiliations and Satomi's desire for a normal life (or belief that he should desire a normal life).
The premise of the series is enjoyably absurd, but the story is also rooted in reality in the right places, with strong characterizations and a good dose of feelings in there amid all of the ridiculous and dry humour. And admittedly, I'm just obsessed with Kyouji and Satomi's dynamic. Anyone who knows me knows what a sucker I am for two people who have nothing in common on the surface, who are both a little off or out of touch with themselves, but who somehow fit together in an unexpected way.
The series isn't marketed as BL, but queerness runs through the series and adaptations in both textual and subtextual ways that I'll put under the cut.
( Spoilery and Speculative Rundowns of What's Going on Between Satomi and Kyouji in Each Version )
Karaoke Iko! (Manga)
( A Page from the Karaoke Iko Manga )
Famiresu Iko (Manga)
( A Page from the Famiresu Iko Manga )
Karaoke Iko! (Anime) Note: contains some animated blood splatter and rescue from implied attempted sexual assault.
Karaoke Iko! (Live-Action Movie
Subsequent thoughts
Sep. 26th, 2025 11:58 amchamomilekatydidIt's been a bit since I made the new Facebook and Instagram. It was good at first, but then I quickly saw how the feed gets pushed when using the site, especially on the phone. I don't regret reconnecting with others or making myself visible online, though. I think it's good that I'm out there and people can see me where I'm at today, particularly with how I've transitioned and that I'm doing well, etc. However, I did take the extra step to remove both apps from my phone and go back to blocking Reddit, YouTube, and Bluesky. If I use any of the above, I'm going to use them at the computer.
Daily Poetry: September 24, 2025
Sep. 24th, 2025 11:26 pmneurosismancerhow sensitive
are the eyes and ears
are they waiting
for you to slip
scrutinizing you
for the signs
who would take
the risk these days
of welcoming in
the unwanted ones
the fully grown
changeling children
are the eyes and ears
are they waiting
for you to slip
scrutinizing you
for the signs
who would take
the risk these days
of welcoming in
the unwanted ones
the fully grown
changeling children
Back To Square One
Sep. 24th, 2025 09:35 pmneurosismancerLast night I sent a sent a follow-up email about the job. Today I got an email saying they'd gone with another applicant. This makes me nine for nine on final round interviews without getting an offer. It's incredibly disheartening and disappointing. I did have a good chat with a recruiter this afternoon for what might be a decent contract role, but I've had nothing but bad luck with recruiters this year. Also, a contract gig presents issues with scheduling my bottom surgery.
I wish I knew what it was that was keeping me from sealing the deal. It's likely a combination of factors: too many applicants and not enough jobs, for one. Still, I have to wonder if it's my appearance — I literally look like my icon, though I need to get both a trim and buzz my side shave again. Are companies, even fully remote companies, not interested in hiring weird dyke-y women with dyed hair and a septum piercing, even if she has a decade-plus of experience?
Or, worse, am I getting clocked on my interviews? I'm fairly certain I've lost at least one potential job offer to gender-based discrimination, but not much I can do about that.
Tomorrow's going to be a rainy, miserable evening so I'm planning to skip Body Hack, and instead find some goth event for the weekend where I can vibe with the music and dance with abandon. Most club music is absolutely incomprehensible and way too major key for me.
I may need a vacation. I should talk to my friend about spending a few days on her farm to just get the fuck away from everything for a while. It's been a while since I've been up there.
I wish I knew what it was that was keeping me from sealing the deal. It's likely a combination of factors: too many applicants and not enough jobs, for one. Still, I have to wonder if it's my appearance — I literally look like my icon, though I need to get both a trim and buzz my side shave again. Are companies, even fully remote companies, not interested in hiring weird dyke-y women with dyed hair and a septum piercing, even if she has a decade-plus of experience?
Or, worse, am I getting clocked on my interviews? I'm fairly certain I've lost at least one potential job offer to gender-based discrimination, but not much I can do about that.
Tomorrow's going to be a rainy, miserable evening so I'm planning to skip Body Hack, and instead find some goth event for the weekend where I can vibe with the music and dance with abandon. Most club music is absolutely incomprehensible and way too major key for me.
I may need a vacation. I should talk to my friend about spending a few days on her farm to just get the fuck away from everything for a while. It's been a while since I've been up there.
"Ain't no country boy quitter"
Sep. 23rd, 2025 10:39 pmneurosismancerTonight was the third night of Chappell Roan's four night residency at Forest Hills Stadium, and I decided tonight was the night to make my way to the little park right outside the stadium and listen to the show. Forest Hills Stadium keeps the volume fairly low, but I could hear Chappell pretty clearly at least when the sold out crowd wasn't cheering or singing along. There's something special about hearing about 14,000 people, mostly women, screaming along to the bridge in "Red Wine Supernova": "I hear you're into magic / I got a wand and a rabbit!" The sapphic energy in the neighborhood has been palpable the last few evenings, and I'm 1000% here for it.
No news yet on the job front. I've sent off a follow-up email to the HR person and hopefully that'll either give me the news I need to hear of "You're still in contention" or "Yeah, we're not gonna hire you." At least I've got an interview with a recruiter tomorrow about another gig. It's not ideal, but at least it's something.
Right now I'm trying to decide if I want to go out to Body Hack, the big trans party, on Thursday night. I didn't get out to group this week and it would be great to just spend some time in community. It's just such a hassle to drag my ass out to that and it I'm not thrilled about paying for a Lyft back home afterwards. We'll see how I feel tomorrow after the interview and if I have any good news to celebrate.
No news yet on the job front. I've sent off a follow-up email to the HR person and hopefully that'll either give me the news I need to hear of "You're still in contention" or "Yeah, we're not gonna hire you." At least I've got an interview with a recruiter tomorrow about another gig. It's not ideal, but at least it's something.
Right now I'm trying to decide if I want to go out to Body Hack, the big trans party, on Thursday night. I didn't get out to group this week and it would be great to just spend some time in community. It's just such a hassle to drag my ass out to that and it I'm not thrilled about paying for a Lyft back home afterwards. We'll see how I feel tomorrow after the interview and if I have any good news to celebrate.
Gestalt, reading, vax, circus... what else would you like to know?
Sep. 22nd, 2025 10:03 amflexagonI had coffee with mindways and he noted that DW posts don't always capture the gestalt of my life, which is true -- so let's start with an overview: ( die Gestalt. )
Rightly or wrongly, I realize that I've never tied the quality of my own life very tightly to the (much) larger things going on around me. Where does this attitude come from? I've just always noticed the heterogeneity of things, and noticed that stuff affecting 90% of people leaves 10% of them alone. I remember being really struck, in my 40s, by how many people will respond to "how's work going" with a reply at the company level, about how their company is doing; and that's rational, reasonable. But I never once have answered at that level. It's more nuanced when talking about governments, but: here I am in a good town, in a good state, under a shitty federal government. It's bad, but a good life still seems possible, and open to me specifically (although yes I care about others, and I do get sad over the big stuff).
And events of the week included:
I could keep writing for some time. I had another interesting talk with the bug about whether house projects viscerally feel productive or not. And I could babble about my video game, which continues to have both frustrating moments and "ooh" moments and which I don't have to feel guilty about playing. I've started to go through my fancy boots, wearing each pair to decide whether to keep or sell them, and I think I'll put a few other things up for sale too. I have thoughts, continuing thoughts, about AI and climate change and pronatalism (as it rises on the left as well as on the right, how everlastingly glad I am to be sterilized!). And I am worried about the joints and antidepressant levels of several people around me. If any of those sound interesting, comment; I could go into it. But for now, I will put nuts out for the squirrels -- I never see them anymore, but would like to remind them before winter that this is a useful place to know about -- and get a few chores done.
mindways and he noted that DW posts don't always capture the gestalt of my life, which is true -- so let's start with an overview: ( die Gestalt. )Rightly or wrongly, I realize that I've never tied the quality of my own life very tightly to the (much) larger things going on around me. Where does this attitude come from? I've just always noticed the heterogeneity of things, and noticed that stuff affecting 90% of people leaves 10% of them alone. I remember being really struck, in my 40s, by how many people will respond to "how's work going" with a reply at the company level, about how their company is doing; and that's rational, reasonable. But I never once have answered at that level. It's more nuanced when talking about governments, but: here I am in a good town, in a good state, under a shitty federal government. It's bad, but a good life still seems possible, and open to me specifically (although yes I care about others, and I do get sad over the big stuff).
And events of the week included:
- Not one but two circus shows -- Level Up (a local show with every act inspired by a video game), and Passengers by 7 Fingers. I watch these things as an impassioned amateur, always looking for some small floor or acro move that I might replicate, and in this case I saw two. One was a drop-back with one hand, made flashier by holding the second hand behind the back. I think I could do that within one or two practice sessions, and I'm gonna try. The other, going from a backbend, was a little hop over the arms (which bend) into a chest-stand-style rollout. I would want a spot for this, but it sure looks easier than a full hop over straight arms. And also less requiring of flexibility than a fully controlled lower to chest-stand. I'd love to try with a spot.
- Reading a lot of Margaret Atwood, as the bug and I chug along through The Blind Assassin. It's definitely an exercise in attention management; I can get sucked into it, but it takes longer than with an easier and faster-paced book, so it rewards longer spans of reading. I do love Atwood's trenchant take on small things, and her sheer precision -- a young woman's lipstick isn't red, it's cerise. The wallpaper has a specific pattern with a name. The narrator as an old woman is far more observant and precise in this way than the same narrator as a younger woman, which delights me and makes me want to get old. I don't want all my reading to be like this, but it's a good reminder that there are different kinds of reading, too.
- Covid vaccination! I was afraid I would not be able to get one this year, national policies finally affecting my body in an obvious way. The interplay of CDC, ACIP, state-level and other recommendations are a giant mess but, on the ground, I was able to self-attest to CVS that I qualified for it, and they stuck it in my arm. The next day, yesterday, I got super tired and couldn't really invert, and fell asleep on the couch after doing what I could at open studio.
- A good handstand lesson, in which... this will horrify justplainuniverse, I'm sure... I think I managed to jump and push shoulders open at the same time, on purpose, for maybe the first time ever. It felt really strange. But yes, for all these years I've been 1) jumping, 2) losing track of time, space and my identity while motion happens, 3) trying to figure out where I am, and 4) pushing my shoulders open if the situation seems to call for it. Because I couldn't "push earlier" during the lost phase (too lost), and I couldn't push simultaneously. I did it and dang, I hope I can keep doing it. All of this followed from a simple bit of feedback I got from a substitute coach the week before, which oddly sounded negative ("sorry, you just got unlucky in this one way") but was very, very actionable.
- A few crossword puzzle personal best times. Construction is paused, and solving benefits from impatience.
I could keep writing for some time. I had another interesting talk with the bug about whether house projects viscerally feel productive or not. And I could babble about my video game, which continues to have both frustrating moments and "ooh" moments and which I don't have to feel guilty about playing. I've started to go through my fancy boots, wearing each pair to decide whether to keep or sell them, and I think I'll put a few other things up for sale too. I have thoughts, continuing thoughts, about AI and climate change and pronatalism (as it rises on the left as well as on the right, how everlastingly glad I am to be sterilized!). And I am worried about the joints and antidepressant levels of several people around me. If any of those sound interesting, comment; I could go into it. But for now, I will put nuts out for the squirrels -- I never see them anymore, but would like to remind them before winter that this is a useful place to know about -- and get a few chores done.
New Moon, New Beginnings?
Sep. 21st, 2025 10:25 pmneurosismancerIt's been a busy evening. I am hoping to hear back tomorrow about the job I interviewed for on Wednesday, and to aid in that, I did a quick manifestation spell. Nothing particularly complex: a green chime candle dressed with some New Job Oil and Money Drawing incense surrounded with some New Moon Water to aid with the manifestation aspect. The spell burned incredibly well with a bright, strong, and very steady flame. There were some dances and flickers, but that's to be expected. It burned itself out neatly with white smoke blowing away from me, which I think bodes well for putting the energy out into the world.
Here's hoping the week ahead brings good news. I'm ready for it.
I'm trying to be a bit more disciplined and organized with my witchcraft. This was an opportunity to break in a new Book of Shadows that I plan to use to keep track of my workings. Now if only I can get off my butt and start working more on my grimoire.
Here's hoping the week ahead brings good news. I'm ready for it.
I'm trying to be a bit more disciplined and organized with my witchcraft. This was an opportunity to break in a new Book of Shadows that I plan to use to keep track of my workings. Now if only I can get off my butt and start working more on my grimoire.
Daily Poetry: September 21, 2025
Sep. 21st, 2025 09:16 pmneurosismancerdoes it count as the final trumpets
when you blow them yourselves?
the end will come when it comes
and you cannot force the issue
with an apathetic god who promised
that none shall know the time and day
endless predictions and preparations
the empty promise of a better life
in the great hereafter far away from us
the unclean the unsaved the unholy
here left behind to manage on our own
like naughty children sent to our rooms
so you let the world fall to pieces
and see the results as more signs
the appointed time is finally at hand
for the umpteenth time now it's right
and when the sun rises and sets
on that most fateful of all days
the way it always does always will
will you come to the realization
that the kingdom of heaven must
be built by hand on this fallen earth
or will you wait for the preacher
to postpone the end once again
when you blow them yourselves?
the end will come when it comes
and you cannot force the issue
with an apathetic god who promised
that none shall know the time and day
endless predictions and preparations
the empty promise of a better life
in the great hereafter far away from us
the unclean the unsaved the unholy
here left behind to manage on our own
like naughty children sent to our rooms
so you let the world fall to pieces
and see the results as more signs
the appointed time is finally at hand
for the umpteenth time now it's right
and when the sun rises and sets
on that most fateful of all days
the way it always does always will
will you come to the realization
that the kingdom of heaven must
be built by hand on this fallen earth
or will you wait for the preacher
to postpone the end once again